I was in a relationship with a soldier for 3 years and 5 months.
We went through all kinds of phases: separation (some due to deployment, others due to our own decisions), the “can’t-stop-thinking-about-each-other”, the “we-need-to-get-married-tomorrow”, the “look-for-the-ring”, to finally the “we’re breaking up”. It ended on that last one a month ago.
I’ve felt all the emotions that a girl could possibly feel. I’ve felt unloved. I’ve felt ashamed. I’ve felt naked and vulnerable. I at one point felt like no one in the world could ever love me the way he did. Even as I write this blog post, I can feel the tears coming through and onto my eyelids. I’m still in that phase where it’s hard. Very hard. I’ve waited. I’ve been faithful to one man. I’ve persevered when it was tough. Two years passed where he was gone with the military. Six months of that, I wrote him a letter every day so that he always could hear from me and the family back home. I was by his side when he was going through the emotional pain that comes with PTSD. I loved him when many did not.
And just like that, it is over.
I don’t understand. I don’t get it. I see why, but I still ask myself, “why?”
Well, the truth of the matter is emotions are not necessarily truth. I can FEEL unloved. I can FEEL like there is no one else in this world for me. I can FEEL like he has moved on from me and that he regrets ever having a relationship with me. I can THINK these things in my spare time and mope around about it…but is it truth? Am I unloved? Does he hate me? Am I REALLY too boring for him? Did he REALLY move on and does he REALLY regret ever being with me? One: he never said he regretted a relationship with me. He doesn’t hate me. He never said I was too boring. So, what is the truth then?
The Truth lies in my relationship with God and what His Word says. To spin this around, I AM loved by Christ, all the time. I am His child uniquely created in His image. To call me boring, would be an insult to what He has created. He sees my everything and STILL desires to have me. NONE of that will change. He desires to have my WHOLE heart and to think and mope upon what I have lost is to dwell on the past and make that more important than what God has given me now. It’s an idol. It’s a fight I am currently dealing with today. It’s a struggle. My break in Nashville (hence the picture) wasn’t helpful at the time. It didn’t do me any good. I stayed in the same complacent place. I still called him to check up on him, I still thought of him, and the fact that people kept bringing him up, didn’t help. What DID help, was coming back, breaking down, and having God reveal Himself to me through prayer. What DID help was seeing the good in the break up. I had put this man first, before God! THIS is why this relationship ended, even if both of us didn’t want it to. Because God desires to have all of me SO much, He will do anything to make that happen and the same would be said for my brother in Christ. He is a jealous God. Because I am His child, He will protect me from further sin. It’s painful. It’s tough. It’s what the Holy Spirit does in a believer’s life. It’s beautiful.
Does correction do me good? Yes. Does a trial like this do me good? Yes. What is there to look forward to in Heaven? “Well done good and faithful servant.” Is the outcome of the next life worth it? Yes. May CHRIST be glorified.