When the Past Haunts

So it begins, another time in my life where I am left not knowing whether to cry or ignore it. Mentally, I desire to pretend that the white elephant is not staring me down in the corner of the room. The judgemental eyes that only an elephant can give. Deep soulful eyes full of tears. I want to look the other way, and long for an exit, to look through the window and be on the other side. I hate feeling trapped and I especially hate the eyes of a suffering elephant. Physically, I just want to sob until I can cry no more. I’m faced with a torment, it drags my heart across the floor and leaves the trail of blood behind. Who will follow it to rescue me? Who is already there?

I know that God is there, that Jesus is always there. What hurts and what is the hardest is having faith that when He is there it is okay. Nothing can harm me. All His plans are for my good. Every trial draws me closer to Him. As I look up holding my oh so heavy bloody heart I imagine that Jesus looks down on me in His own sadness. What breaks His heart is not only that my heart is broken, but that after bringing me His revelation, after bringing me His Holy Spirit, after many years of salvation, I still struggle to trust that all things will work out for my good.

All things always work out for my good….for those who love Him…for those who are called according to His purpose. (Rom. 8:28)

How do I demonstrate my love for the Lord? A part of my sadness I can say is from an idolistic thinking. A thinking that I can fix things, that I can have things my way, that my dreams are His dreams. It’s hard sometimes because I don’t know what He has already dreamed up for me. It’s this slither of hope that my dreams will become a reality when in actuality, my dream may or may not come to fruition. My dream is not one focused on the work of Christ. It’s not focused on the mission which is to make disciples of all nations. What He desires are good things. Good things that will glorify His name…

So as I sit here, finally in rest from knowing His plan for His glory, I address the elephant in the room while holding my broken heart in my right hand. In the other, I trust that God will beĀ holding my left standing there with me, preparing me for the things that He has to come.

May His will be done. Always. Amen.



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