The next day I still feel pretty crumby. Literally, just crumbling…pieces are slowly falling off once again. I’m held together. I can slap that smile on my face and tell everyone I’m doing well, but it’s not the truth. When my co-teacher and friend at church asked me how my week went. I confessed. I told them the truth.
The truth is it was tough. It was very tough. It was something that I didn’t want to deal with.
I question my actions. I question what I should do. I pray on what I should do. Sure, I had my distractions today. Doing a whole survey of the book of Acts for a 3rd-grade classroom was a long study for me. It was a lot of work that required listening through the whole book and then studying its origins. It was good. It was refreshing. What lingered still, was the thought in the back of my head…”What should I do?” Another thought, “What is right for me to do?”
Now that I sit here with two homework assignments due (thank you school) I’m distracted by the lingering thoughts. It’s like a foul smell that will not go away unless I attack it first. “Wooshing it away” won’t do me any good. Spraying it away will. What tool will I use to get rid of it? What will make it smell good again? A refreshing scent of a lavender field…did it burn away? Is that what I’m smelling? The smoke lingers still. It creates a haze where I can’t see clearly. I long for the clean air that I once breathed before. The air now is slowly suffocating me.
As I pray on the method of how I’ll clean the air, I know now that it will clear in the end. It will be true, fresh, anew. I pray now as I crumble and barely hold on because His mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22-23) and I can trust it will the same tomorrow (Lord willing if there is a tomorrow).