Tired. Frustrated. Confused. I just can’t express my own feelings in person anymore. The truth is I’m afraid to share anything. I feel no one will really understand me other than God Himself (which is true in a sense). I’m exhausted for various reasons and I feel like I’ll never feel back to normal. I was “normal” a few weeks ago. I had energy and was ready to work hard every day, able to do homework every night, ready to serve, etc. This is probably one of my worst weeks where I fall asleep almost every night after work, where I feel drained, where I just want to cry consistently.
Looking at it now, I was “normal” a few weeks ago. I had energy and was ready to work hard every day, able to do homework every night, ready to serve, etc. The list goes on. This is probably one of my worst weeks. I fall asleep almost every night after work, I feel drained, I just want to cry consistently.
Work doesn’t seem to see me either. My bosses ignore my drained and desperate face. They just pile more things on like I’m a laundry basket that they’ll get to on their own time. I’m overflowing with laundry that won’t be touched by a stranger in weeks. No, not even they will do it. That’s dirty work.
Good Friday. It’s Good Friday too! I feel ungrateful and unappreciative of what Christ has done for me on the cross. I asked myself this earlier today when I went outside in frustration. I sat there for a good thirty minutes before I finally decided myself that I just needed to pray out loud. I probably looked like a psycho to others from the outside observing, crying one moment and then fine after “talking to myself”! Now I understand how Hannah must have felt in 1 Samuel 1:12-16 when she desperately cried out to the Lord for a child and Eli (the priest) thought she was drunk. I tried praying in my head (like Hannah did) but I just couldn’t. I had to pray out loud. Nothing was going to focus my thoughts except in a desperate cry that others could only hear if they were sitting next to me on the curb under the tree.
I’m grateful for Christ’s redemption that He has forgiven my sins and washed me white as snow. HA, He took MY dirty laundry and cleaned it for me! Forever took that title on Him and I never have to deal with it again. I am grateful for His death that only He in His perfection could have pursued. I am grateful for the job He has provided me with. If I was anywhere else, I would have been fired by now for the absentees, tardies, etc. I feel anywhere else would have not accepted the many requests for time off so that I can go to doctor appointments, donate swab samples, blood samples, visit friends from different countries, etc. To be honest, I did finally get fed up though in being requested to fulfill something that is not a part of my job description and cancel something in my own life that is difficult to schedule for. But, like I always say, “It is what it is”. I can either pout the rest of my life or get over it and be grateful I even have a paying job.
I can just tell I have no patience because I’m tired and Satan has tempted me with every which way he can. A coworker after he was done with his work for the day came up to me and asked me what my tattoo meant. I explained everything. I explained the fact that it was in Hebrew, that it said, “Blessed be the name of the LORD”, that it was there to remind me to bless the LORD always, no matter what is happening in my life. He was glad for the explanation, and for explaining the passage and why I have it. He left for the weekend and I just sat there in joy, just excited that I was able to once again have an opportunity to talk to someone about it. Really though, I wish that verse was on my mind more than the two seconds it is when someone notices it.
In other words, my thoughts are everywhere. I can tell by just rereading this blog post to myself that I’m struggling between two spaces right now; it’s either I hide in the dark, or I fight this with all my being and press forward. I want to press forward and I want the energy to press forward. I desire encouragement to do so.
Even after I woke up I sat there debating for an hour if I should drive down to my family’s house tonight or not, if I was even able to get up out of bed. Clear signs of depression here that I’m refusing to see for myself. Yes, I will get up out of bed. Yes, I will drive down tonight, and yes I will eat dinner. This is what I currently am telling myself at this very moment, at 9:00 PM.
Yes, I’m having a hard day. Yes, it is challenging. Yes, I will get through it.