Moms tend to make good points when you don’t want them to be right. My parents have this tradition of eating out at Denny’s every Saturday morning for breakfast. This is usually where all the serious conversations go down and when the good points are made.
I inform them of my recent troubles, being tired all the time and having a stressful work week. They listen intently and feel for me in any way that a parent could, of course encouraging me to find another job. I sigh to help me find a little bit of relief. In a moment of silence, while waiting for the food to come, I start spinning my spoon in my tea cup. Mixing the honey into the tea, I begin to watch it dissolve. I open my mouth. “Sooo..” I start to say. I look up to see my mom observing me with these serious eyes that only a mom could have. I had to tell her at least the truth about what else was going on with my brother in Christ who I will call “S”. “So S checked up on me and how my doctor appointment went the other day” (the other day being yesterday…she didn’t ever ask when). She looked at me and said, “…Okaaay. Does he text you often?” In my honesty, I said “No, not often”…..even though now that I think about it, what is the definition of often? It’s kind of subjective. Really, it’s probably often. In this moment she makes that point that I didn’t want to hear. She said, “How do you think K (K being his fiance) would feel if she knew you guys were talking?”. I paused for a second. I thought for just a second. I gave myself time to respond honestly. “Bad,” I said. That was it. I didn’t really know what else to say. She then said, “How would you feel if you were his fiance and he was texting or calling his ex to check up on them?” I knew the answer to that already. Based on past experience, I quickly found out that I was the “jealous type”. I knew just putting myself in K’s shoes that that’s how I would feel. I would feel awful. If I found his phone and saw past calls or text messages I would at least want an explanation. Again, I sat there in silence. I instantly felt pain. I felt the pain of knowing she was right. I felt the pain of knowing that again, it really can’t be the same.
Things are in a different place. The situation isn’t one that I should be meddling with. S already told me that he was going to be faithful to his engagement. No question. I’ve seen his faithfulness in the past and I know that he’s telling the truth. Right now, he is engaged to another woman. Right now he is dedicating his life to another woman. Right now, he’s looking for another position in another department so he can have a good life with another woman. THAT was what hit me hard on the phone yesterday. On the phone it’s all happy dandy, catching me up with his life and what he’s doing, but really all these life decisions he’s making, he’s making for a future with someone else. It stung. It hurt to even hear that on the phone. Happy for him, but sad in my own being. The reality is, well, reality. It’s odd to think that someone else loves him as much as I do. It’s odd to think that someone else could be living life with him that I had dreamed would happen with me. Those rare treasured times that I had with him are now someone else’s rare and treasured times…and he enjoys it with K too.
So here I am. Realizing again, that mom is right. Why be that person that would break another girl’s heart? Why be the negative topic of a couple’s conversation? Why would I still attempt to be involved unless I’m trying to ruin them and their attempt to live their lives together? I’m the problem.
Take me out of it, and at least there’s one less problem. Neither one of them should have to worry about me getting involved in the first place (not that they are now, but still). I continued to spin that spoon and drink my tea until the last bit of water was gone. I barely ate anything for breakfast. Both my parents knew something was wrong with me.
Sure, the day calmed down and it got better, but here I am. Here I am just with Jesus. Just with Jesus and Him alone. That’s okay. That’s fine. That’s all I need, but I don’t want to make it sound like it’s easy. My mom knows exactly what to say sometimes to bring me back to where I need to be. Where I need to be is with Jesus. Jesus knows exactly what I need. Foolish to think that I know otherwise. He will guide me to where I need to be.
For now, I think of these things and the wisdom moms give and I prepare myself for a restful evening as I pray to stay faithful always to Jesus. Maranatha, LORD. LORD come soon.