When I’m With You

These are the things that I need to pray
Because I can’t find peace any other way
I’m a mess underneath and I’m just too scared to show it
Everything’s not fine
And I’m not okay
But it’s nice to know
I can come this way
When I’m with you
I feel the real me finally breaking through
It’s all because of you, Jesus
Anytime, anywhere, any heartache
I’m never too much for you to take
There’s only love
There’s only grace
When I’m with you
Yeah, when I’m with you, yeah
Nobody knows me like you do
No need for walls, you see right through
Every hurt, every scar, every secret you just love me
Everything’s not fine
And I’m not okay
But it’s nice to know
I can come this way
When I’m with you
I feel the real me finally breaking through
It’s all because of you, Jesus
Anytime, anywhere, any heartache
I’m never too much for you to take
There’s only love
There’s only grace
When I’m with you
I’m breathing in
I’m innocent
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with you
I’m breathing in
I’m innocent
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with you
And so I’m here just as I am
Bruised or broken
I don’t have to pretend
When I’m with you
I feel the real me finally breaking through
It’s all because of you, Jesus
Anytime, anywhere, any heartache
I’m never too much for you to take
There’s only love
There’s only grace
When I’m with you
When I’m with you
I’m breathing in
I’m innocent
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with you
I’m breathing in
I’m innocent
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with you
I’ve bolded the words that stood out to me tonight. I had an emergency run to go pick up a friend who got off at the wrong bus stop and ended up in a bad part of Santa Ana. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her how upset I was and broken, and yet, I knew she had her own problems to deal with. I chose to listen to her instead. My good family friends wanted me to come over and have dinner with them. I thought I’d feel better hanging out with them. Hanging out with them didn’t end up working out due to conflicting priorities. I drove around for a while and just started crying. I felt like crying ever since I went to go get my friend in SA. I finally just had to let the tears flow. After praying, I knew that hanging out with friends or confessing to them how I really felt wasn’t going to help me. Friends don’t make feelings go away. Sure, any one of them would have hugged me and let me cry and that would have been nice. Sure, any one of them would have treated me to help me feel better. Any one of them could have offered their shoulder, but ultimately, that wouldn’t have solved anything. I confessed to God how I really felt and just spoke with him for a while during my drive. God tends to bring on the perfect songs for me when I feel this way. When I’m With You has this stupid upbeat millennial sound that I hate, but the words were too real to my heart. The words spoke directly to me. “I feel the real me finally breaking through”. I feel the real me can speak to Jesus, the real me can come out, the real me can share anything. “I’m safe when I’m with you”. I know I will always be safe with Him. One thing that I struggle with is feeling like I can never be safe enough, no matter who I’m with. I’m safe when I’m with you. “And so I’m here just as I am. Bruised and broken, I don’t have to pretend.” I don’t have to hide any longer. I don’t have to plaster on that smile and press through the day. I can be myself. “you see right through”. He sees right through me, down to my deepest core. All of me. (painful perhaps, but necessary). “I’m never too much for You to to take, there’s only love there’s only grace.” I’m never too much for Him. There’s only love, there’s only grace. 
He knows when everything’s not fine and I’m not okay. He knows when I need a shoulder to cry on and a love that swallows me whole. There’s no one on earth that can love me as much as He does. I look forward to the day when I can fully see that. Before that day comes though, I share this video.

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