Self-Pity

Families upon families enjoying their time at the beach. Couples everywhere laughing and munching on snacks. Families from other countries enjoying Orange County’s beautiful views. Children running and playing baseball, basketball, frisbee. Dogs barking at each other as they pass one another. Birds flying over to pick up the scraps on the grass overlooking the sea. The waves coming in and out as they always do. Surfers out on the water enjoying the tide. Music boxes blasting different harmonies from all different directions.

And there I was, the lone ranger. I sat there on my towel reading Ann Voskamp’s book and enjoying the view before me. It was such a privilege to sit there and yet, Satan tempted me with evil thoughts, thoughts of self-pity and pride. I sat there reminiscing, looking back on my high school days since that was the last time I was at that beach. Almost 10 years ago was the last time I was there. So many late nights playing games, climbing trees and reading out of ¬†God’s Word, but the beach being so close to my ex’s old house also brought thoughts of him. I couldn’t help but look to my left and right and see no one. The only girl on the grass who came by herself. Looking to my side I imagined him sitting there with me. I imagined him groaning to go home after an hour of being there. I stopped and smiled at the thought. He hated being in the sun. I was the polar opposite. I absorbed the sun. I dreamed of being in the sun. The thought of him not being there though made me sad, which made me realize that that wasn’t something I needed to let my mind wander to.

I was so thankful to be there, to just be at the beach and it needed to stay that way. I love the beach. I love the sounds that surround you there, the colors and the reflection that the water makes, the sand in your toes, the roaring hills behind you full of wealthy homes you only dream of stepping in. It’s a dream place. It’s an artist’s place. It’s my backyard.

Nothing was sweeter than just enjoying the view and enjoying the book I was reading. I’m glad that God brought me back to positive thoughts once I came back to my senses. I trust that God works everything out for my good and this summer is just a summer where He is pushing me to pursue Him more than He ever has. May He push me the rest of my days until I see His glory and fall face down in awe.

1 Kings 18:39, “And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces and said, ‘The LORD, he is God; the LORD, he is God.'”

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