Sick and driving. I drove all over God’s precious green earth today for my two Singaporean visitors that I love so much. What normally would have been more enjoyable was hindered by how sick I was today. My brain was clouded. My head was hurting and even after I took non-drowsy medicine I fell asleep on my father’s couch before leaving for our journey. From San Diego to Vista, to LA, to Santa Clarita. Only got home an hour ago (and it’s 11:40 pm now). In all this, the last destination was what slammed me.
I haven’t been up to Santa Clarita since….Well, to be honest, I can’t remember at the moment. I drove past it multiple times to visit my twin sister in Fresno, but have not stopped there probably since the last time I was dropping off my Singaporean “friendfinity” friend (see friendfinity to know why I call it that). It’s been a couple years. Driving down the winding road right off of Newhall started a flood of memories. Surprisingly, very little of them were of my actual college experience. Driving down the road passed the train tracks didn’t make me think of living in the dorms, going to classes, and going shopping at Walmart for groceries, but instead slowly overwhelmed me with memories of S, my ex. I began to recall our conversation a month ago now of what he remembers of our relationship, which are all the late nights up in Santa Clarita.
I started thinking of Saugus Cafe where we ate our favorite pancakes, driving around the empty hills looking for a pool, going to the park, going shopping and eating at Eggplantation. I felt like water was slowly filling my entire body. Like a kid leveling water out in a pool with his arm was I trying to push the water away. Instead, the water would fill the empty space again and rise even higher. I was silent.
So, the ride there was surprisingly overwhelming. It caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to cry but didn’t. There was nothing to be said or done. All of us were tired, exhausted from a long day and I was too sick. I had no energy to explain how I felt. I dropped them off and drove right back down the same winding roads. Roads that took me back not only home, but…somewhere else. It was painful. The water only drained once I left the town. I don’t know if I could ever hang out in Santa Clarita again.
For now, I ponder these things and do my best to lay it before God. I lay my pains down, I lay my memories down and I am praying that God will carry a burden that feels too heavy for me. Praying for peace to pass in a city that I used to know so well.