Has it been a harder day for me? Definitely. Even though I was running around at work like a maniac, I still had my moments where I was reminded of the life that I once had with my ex. I think what triggered the sadness were songs that came on during the day. Actually, I wanted to play songs from a certain movie but knew I wouldn’t be able to do it without the waterworks coming out. I walked around outside for a bit to listen to the sounds of my surroundings and ran back inside. I took another break to just sit on a bench outside and stare off into space and came back inside. It was a cycle of just running away. If I just run away from the issue, it’ll go away. It doesn’t just go away like that. I wanted so badly today to see him and to just yell at him for lost time, for time that was spent away from me, for the time that was wasted but what good would that have done?
I walked away in my anger and went inside to mess with the boys who tend to tease me all day long. Ignoring and running away does not solve my issue. If I see my heart, I see an angry one. I see a hurt one. I see a black “cesspool of wickedness” as my old pastor used to say. It’s ugly and I want so badly to be healed from this. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of feeling hurt. I’m tired and I want Jesus’ love so badly to just make me pure. And all of this just makes me think, How could God use me to share the Gospel or do anything good in His name? I have so much to be healed from. I really do. Praying tonight for healing and for comfort from my Savior’s arms.