The four. **disclaimer, there is cussing in this blog post **
The four men I fell for stupidly. I feel so stupid. I can never make a right choice. How is it that with four men I failed? I don’t understand. The first was expected to fail. The second I thought was going to be a lifetime. The third was not a match. The fourth a mistake. The fourth is what has killed me inside over the last week. How the fuck did I mess up so badly? How did I make the mistakes time and time again? I just kept slipping and slipping into his hands. He pulled me in (both literally and figuratively), he grabbed my attention. He longed for my affection. I gave it to him. Now he looks at me either with this deep, deep sorrow, or as if he’s raping me with his eyes. I tell him to stop looking at me that way. He understands what I’m talking about. I hate him for pulling me in in the first place. I then like him because we have such a strong attraction, and we both get along so well. I can’t help but look at him and smile. He drives me crazy, and yet I know he’s not the one either. God pulled me out for a reason, and he pulled me out of it only after a month we started going out together outside of work. Fuck. The situation I got myself into.
I just can’t believe it. And again, I was ignoring the Spirit the whole time. I didn’t want to listen and be a part of His holiness. I thought it’d be harmless and somehow we could work it out. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I was wrong. It harmed both of us. That was where I made the mistake, it was where I didn’t see the future consequences. And yet. the Lord has mercy on me and He’s a jealous God. Just as it didn’t work out with the Israelites and the Gentiles, so it will be with me. God longs for my attention, He longs for me to stay pure, He longs for me to stay focused on the prize. That’s the choice I’ve made, but man is it hard! Shit, I have to keep looking time and time again to Scripture and worship music throughout my day just to keep my focus off of “H”. Today, the trial has tired me out. Today, I’m looking for rest. It’s 8:30 PM and I’m ready for bed. Good night world.