The Outsider

It was a strange weekend, to say the least. Coming into my sister’s house I saw my sister on the rocking chair and my mom on the couch playing a game on her phone. It was quiet. The buzz of the fan is heard from across the hall as the baby slept. It was the silent stares that got me. The “Hellooo” that almost felt unwelcomed. The outsider was here. I’m the outsider. No longer living in my mother’s dream path or the path my sister followed, I felt judgement. No longer am I the “single one” but now also the “one without a child”, “one without a degree”, “one with the lame job”, “one we have to arrange our eating around”.

Today, my brother-in-law came home to jokingly say, “Geez, why are you not married?” A quick laughter from my brother-in-law to show that he’s joking and then again, silence from the rest. Everyone drifted off to sleep tonight and I was left to myself. As the hot steam rose from the shower I could almost hear the snores of the people in the bedrooms next door. I breathed in the steam. Breathed out. Are these really the labels that I have to put on? Do I really have to be the loser child, sister, sister-in-law?  I feel the slight pain in my stomach begin to turn. I’m done being labeled this way. I’m done being the twin that isn’t successful. Why do they not see my 4.0 gpa, the success within my own job, the work I’ve put in to stay healthy so that I can be around them? I stop to breathe in and breathe out once again. My inclination right now is to get up, take my coworker’s car, and drive away. Time to drive all the way home. None of this nonsense. Can people appreciate me for being me? Why can’t they appreciate that I enjoy life the way I live it now? I’m going to leave this blog post with a song that makes me feel like I am going somewhere else. I imagine a big empty grassy hill with the wind blowing through the taller greens. This is Laputa: Castle in the Sky Suite.


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