It’s Tortuous

It’s tortuous how he still clings to my mind and makes me dream of him even after the wedding is over. I thought it would all be over and I would never see him again, but I was mistaken. I see him at night, in the dreams that come and haunt me. These dreams not only have SK in it but now his fiance. It’s actually worse than what it was before. It’s miserable. I get less and less sleep. Who do I speak to about this without feeling the judgement of everyone upon me for still having these feelings for a guy they believe is the worst? Why, I wonder. Why am I still haunted? Will it ever go away? I almost feel like he has control over my life. Nothing I do can erase him. No matter how much effort I put into it, it just doesn’t follow through. I want God to take these chains from me that I carry. I want him to lift it off my back and release me from this prison I hold myself in. I desire peace and sleep. I desire a mind free to think of what it pleases. How do I tear down these prison walls? In my discontentment with what I’ve been given, I wonder why he gets to live a happy life with someone and I don’t. Why am I not that girl? Why is it that the cards were played this way? I want to cry but there is a day that is awaiting me. There are people who are relying on me for work and for counsel, people who are in their own despair that need encouragement. I end this blog post with a song that has hit home too many times. Misery Chain by Chris Cornell.

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